On and on

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be with someone? Ok now that would be a dumb question won't it? But how about this, the thing is that you don't like the person persay, as in not in the relationship sense. Now, I am not making much sense here. Let me explain. There are certain times in your life that you would meet someone who makes your heart smile a bit inside, just at the sight of them. You naturally get drawn to that person and you treat that person well, simply because you find no reason to do otherwise.

These are the people who make you go soft inside, but not romantically. You develop a sense of affinity to them or a 'soft spot'. And the next thing you know, you start wondering if that person could possibly be someone you could be with. Now here is the thing. After having such positive thoughts about that person, you start to put yourself down. You start comparing yourselves and you slowly start to discredit yourself in relation to that person. In this warped little theory, all confidence is gone and you start to tell yourself that it would obviously not work out and you are content in just being there for the person and as long as you two are good friends.
The danger of such a move is that you get easily affected by what happens to that person and your reactions can sometimes confuse that person. You become overly caring or overly protective and easily jealous for no apparent reason. Worse, if things are not made clear, the person would start to lose trust in you and you lose out on both ends. The funny thing is that you were never really interested romantically with the person... just because you had a soft spot... ok, maybe that's just me?

Recently a friend came back into my life although of course there was no leaving in the first place. We failed to contact each other for some time and after suddenly meeting each other I could not help myself but to wonder how much things have changed. True, the person as a person had no change, but rather it was me. I can be considered being more expressive of my feelings and well, I think I might have overdid it again. The term "absence makes the heart fonder" is definetely at play here. Yes, I have a soft spot for this person and as much as I tried to make it clear, I might have confused the person. I look at this side of me in disdain because it reflects a side of me I never wished to acknowledge. Cowardice, my friend...

Another friend of mine is making me wonder... I observe what others do and some more, but what I see is what only I see and not what might really be meant to see... hmmm, not making sense here, I guess I am really random tonight. Back to this, I am worried about this person and the decisions made, if any. I don't like what I see basically and I wonder if I am taking this affair too personally. I realise I need to stop bothering in other's lives but as much as I say that I can't help but do so. It is quite weird how I can be bothered by some small thing that might be done here rather than one large thing that happens at home.

I am tired... my brain has ceased to function properly... goodnight to the world who has given me so much controversy in my life....