shakespere I quote

I guess...

I don’t have anything that needs explaining, but yet again, perhaps I do...

I am unsure if I really like anyone, because my feelings are alien to me. On one hand I can be happy being with a girl, but yet I am not compelled to meet up with her. It is as if I am too comfortable where I am now, and where I have been, so much so that I don’t see a need to advance. Perhaps, too, because I have never went further than this stage, for various reasons no doubt. One of these reasons, is that I am lazy, and easily tired. Most likely, I find that the girl is not receptive fast enough, and I just simply give up. Jaded, perhaps? I no longer order flowers, don’t spring surprise gifts, lost all inkling of romance (this assuming of course that I have had those in the first place), don’t purposely go out for dates... things that I used to think I would do for the girl I loved, but if I said that, then perhaps I have only loved one girl for certain.. wait, can I even be certain? I... am too serious, and I think too much. Someone told me before that nobody could love me, simply because I did not allow myself to be, by being guarded on one hand, and also being silent, uninteresting, and so unenergetically unappealing... talk about being a young ‘un ha!

I can’t find it within myself to continue to say that I am in love with anyone, because that would be giving people the wrong idea. I cannot find within myself the energy to accommodate, to adapt, to change myself to whom I think people would rather I be. I am who I am. Selfishly thinking, if you can’t handle that, then so be it, because who wouldn’t want others to love them as they are? Even when certain aspects are worth changing, but to what extent can and should we change ourselves just so as to fit who others want us to be? Would we still be able to call ourselves ‘me’ then? I understand that people change to suit others willingly at times, because we want the other to be happy, even if that might result in us not being too happy, but at the end of the day, it is worth it. Or so we thought. If we lose ourselves in the hope of change, then is change necessarily a good thing? I think not.

When whatever I do requires explaining, then should I continue doing it the way I am? Or should I explain? Or should I just ignore and do it anyway? I would rather do it my way, as long as it works, and it hurts nobody. If it hurts me in the process, so be it. Limbo, limbo, the word best used to describe my current state of mind. Confusion won’t even come close. You don’t wish to commit? Neither do I... only difference is, I’ve never seen what is on the other side. And more often than not, the girl would have seen the other side. I mean, how many can proudly proclaim they have never been in a relationship, never been kissed, never held hands...? Few and far in between I’m sure.

Double double, toil and trouble, cauldron boil and fire bubble...
By the pricking of my thumb, something wicked this way come...
Fair is foul and foul is fair, hover through the fog and filthy air...

These three lines sound so foreign and so dark, but what if I said it describes aptly how it seems to be to me at this point my thoughts and feelings... in terms of the curious undertones and foreboding context it invokes within me, the same as when I talk about relationships. I am really, too serious for my own good.